26-May-2016 10:10

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Chuck, who upon hearing that I was a detective immediately asked if I had my hand cuffs with me. But Maura decided to throw out that classic romantic line, "You know the fascinating thing about rigor mortis? Apparently he honestly didn't mean to screw his grandmother and all her friends out of their hard earned pennies. So I knock back my second..is it third beer of the night and take in the entertainment at the next table over. Round 1 - I started off strong, with my first date... Round 2 – I get a sob story about my date, Larry being indicted on two counts of fraud. But it could be that my next potential Romeo is just in the john. But the devil is smart you see: he lures you in with promises of finding your soul mate in only one three hour session. But I know what you're thinking, 'It couldn't possibly be that bad, could it? No, what really killed me was Maura saying 'please' in that heartfelt adorable way that she does... It's kind of pathetic really, just one little word from her and I'm lost. So I came to stupid ridiculous moronic speed dating. It's three hours of hell, served in 5 minute spoonfuls. My only real consolation is that Maura is striking out more spectacularly than I am. I have to admit the pout she sent in my direction afterward was utterly adorable though. I'm tempted to lean over and whisper that I wish some of my dates ended that way. But I know she would take it literally, and ask me if I have some new proclivity for necrophilia. I'd like to blame it on the menacing glare that I'm shooting any guy that gets close with.

In this episode, Kevin discusses why nobody, but especially men, should speed date.

There is only one instance where speed dating is acceptable.

Author's Note: Tell me you have all seen the promo. Maura bends to retrieve it and when she rights herself she's treated to one of my better shit eating grins. As I glance over at my table I realize why I left it.

The Rizziles, season 2, promo #4 - the "I can't believe you two think you're straight" promo. 'Humphrey' my next potential date is still sitting there, mooning over me with puppy dog eyes. Silence reins between us for a few moments until I blurt something out, in the way that only inebriated people can make seem casual. You're way less irritating than all the men I've dated tonight.

It's a little different then my normal writing style but still good, I think. The asshole moves so fast he knocks the buzzer flying to the ground. It's fruity and nice..what I really want is another beer.

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So in response to that lovely promo I just had to write this. My new date asks where I'm going and I simply answer truthfully, "Away from you."I stand over Maura's date and casually tell him, "Get out." I even happen to let my blazer drape in such a way as to show off my gun. Thankfully, when my favorite medical examiner stares up at me, I'm happy to see only relief on her face. He decides to try some macho bullshit, "You wouldn't really shoot me."I know he's trying to call my silent bluff; but it's not going to work. But I'm not above pistol whipping you for the fun of it." I even give him a grim smile as I deliver the line. She chuckles softly as she smiles at me, "You really didn't need to do that, Jane.""Yah I did." I respond as I finish off her glass of wine.

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